My Roommate Drew



"If you guys are just going to stare at me all night, I'm going to bed."

-Elvis Presley to the Beatles


Allow me to introduce my friend Drew.

In 1990 I took summer classes in college to be able to stay on campus, and to get a few credits out of the way. I was trying to lighten my class load in the coming year.

While I was home one weekend, I received a letter from my soon to be roommate, Andrew.

It was in perfect business form, his address in the right corner, mine to the left. He introduced himself, and told me he was from Brooklyn and was currently working as a security guard in Long Island City. He explained that he was transferring to C.W. Post and his girlfriend currently goes there.

AND, he called me by my real name! Eeww.

Of course, I showed this letter around to my Fraternity brothers in the hopes that someone knew the girl and had some dirt. We really wanted to know if she was faithful or not so we could abuse Andrew when he showed up in September.

A week before school started, the Freshmen were moving in on campus to go through their orientation. It made no difference to me. I was in an upperclassman dorm and did not have to be bothered by them.

I figured that Andrew would be showing up a day or two before the first day of classes, so I was still on my worst behavior. My classes had ended a few days ago, so I was just relaxing in the dorms.

One morning, bright and early I hear my door being opened.

Now, I was bit by a dog when I was a little kid, so one eye is very light sensitive, and sometimes doesn't close all the way when I sleep. I couldn't tell you how many times someone has seen my eye open while I was sleeping, thought I was awake, and had an in depth conversation with me. Of course, the next day they get mad that I don't remember, but hey, I was asleep. Anyway, because of this, I like it really dark when I'm sleeping. I had bunk beds in this room, and had tied a pirate flag to the bottom of the top bunk to keep the light out of my eyes. I made my own little cave. I also usually sleep with a pillow over my face, but that's another story.

I was an Auxiliary cop at the time and kept my nightstick next to my bed. When I heard someone key in, I carefully grabbed the stick and waited for a pair of knees to come into view. From my position, I couldn't see the door, but if someone walked in more than a foot or two, they would be in plain sight, while I would still be hidden.

So, I sat, and I waited. No one was going to break into MY room and walk straight ever again.

I waited a little longer.

No knees.

Nothing to swing at.

I waited some more.

Finally, someone in the doorway called out my name. My REAL name.

I said, "Yeah?" "Hi, I'm Drew, your new roommate."

So, I put the stick down, but still did not get up.

He said he would be back, he had to go register, and then he would be off to orientation.

When we finally met later in the day, he seemed like a nice enough guy.

Italian/ Irish. A Ginnie/ Mick. A Gimmick if you will.

After the few weeks of parties (he was in our fraternity's unofficial suite), and crawling over bodies and around vomit to get to the bathroom in the morning, he moved out. We kept in touch vaguely for the next few months.

He broke up with his girlfriend, and seemed to be doing okay adjusting to college life.

For the next semester, I moved out of this suite and into another. My new roommate was a coke dealing drug addict. I've never actually tried any illegal drugs. Don't get me wrong, I'm not anti drugs, just not into them myself. I know how addicted I get to things I like and never gave it a shot for fear that I would become hooked. Look at me and smoking. I didn't start until I was twenty-one and haven't been able to stop since. For some reason though, everyone thinks I am the biggest drug addict on the planet. Many times in college people would come up to me and ask if I had any pot for them.

I always said, "No," but they never believed me. They always thought I was just holding out on them. Anyway, I needed out of this room, and a girl that Drew was now seeing told me that he had a single. So I slipped a note under his door explaining my situation, and asked for his help.

I moved in with him a few days later, and we lived together for the rest of my time in college.

He joined my fraternity and had a pretty easy time because he was my roommate and the rest of the brothers were afraid to piss me off by bothering him late at night. The worst things I did to him while he was pledging was to make him read me bedtime stories, and once I made him tie my shoe. Just one shoe, and only because he begged me to make him do something so the other brothers wouldn't bother him. Our room became a safe zone for him and his pledge brothers. I'm not a control freak, so I let the pledges hang out, and I refused to put up with any kind of fraternity attitude in my room. The brothers all knew and didn't do anything while the pledges were there. It actually became tough to get the pledges to leave some nights.

On to the story.

Drew and I decided to become orientation sponsors because we really wanted to help the unfortunate Freshmen (and Freshwomen) that were probably a little nervous about being away from home for the first time. Okay, we wanted to pick up chicks. Happy? At least I'm honest. Hey, Drew did it for the next 4 years after I left.

Most orientation groups got smaller everyday as the Freshmen decided they knew all they needed to. Some sponsors didn't lose anyone. My group grew exponentially. Drew was also a big hit. His group was probably bigger than mine by the end of the week, but my group was cooler.

We broke a few rules of orientation. Actually, we mutilated some of the rules beyond recognition. I don't know if it's possible for me to get in trouble for this now, but either way, I'll keep those stories to myself.

Drew fell for this girl named Kristen. She was a skinny little brunette. Cute, but kind of quiet and mousy. I never really thought much about her. She was nice, but not really my type.

They hooked up for a little while, but it stopped because she had a long distance thing going with a guy. Drew was upset, but he got over it (not really) and just went on to another girl.

I hung around with her too, but always figured she was off limits because Drew was interested in her. Drew and I always had one problem. Girls that he liked, would sometimes like me. This upset him to no end. On a few occasions, a girl that I liked went for him, but that wasn't as common. We even ended up setting up rules. If either of us spent more than twenty dollars on a girl, she was officially off the market to the other. So if Drew liked a girl, he would run out and take her to dinner. Just to make sure I wouldn't touch her.

For my birthday, one of the brothers gave me a bottle of Wild Turkey. I partook slightly of the bottle, but for the most part it remained untouched.

When we returned from Christmas break, Drew, Kristen, Kristen's roommate Beth, myself, and a few other people were hanging out in my room drinking and having a good time one night. Our room was the cool place to hang out in if you were a Freshman. We always had alcohol, and we are really nice guys.

Drew was sitting on his bed, and Beth was sitting next to him. Kristen and I were sitting on my bed, and the other people were just wandering around the room. Beth kept inching closer to Drew, and Drew kept moving away. Inch closer…move away. This went on for about twenty minutes.

How to describe Beth? She was…Ruebenesque. Red hair in a butch cut, and generally a big girl. Drew was not interested in her, but she obviously felt differently for him.

A few people left, and we were all doing shots of Wild Turkey. Drew was mixing; he was drinking beer, and doing shots of Rumplemintz. Nasty combination if you ask me, but he seemed to be enjoying it.

So, we're all drunk.

When the last person left the room leaving Drew, Beth, Kristen and me alone, they turned out the lights. Now we're all sitting in the dark. Things can happen in the dark when you're drunk, and for poor Drew, they started happening to him.

A little while later Drew asked the girls to step outside so we could talk, and I ran over to him. As the door closed I asked Drew what was going on. He started telling me what Beth had been doing to him in the dark. Yuck. I got a really nasty mental picture and had to ask him to stop. I was sorry I asked.

I told him maybe it would be a good idea if he and Beth left and went back to her room.

He looked at me through half closed eyes and whined/shrieked, "I don't wanna have sex with her…..don't make me!!"

I told him to have another shot.

"I just HAD four shots!" He cried.

"Then have another one."

He filled his two ounce shot glass with Rumplemintz and shot it down.

He looked at me, blasted off his ass, and said, "All right, I'll do it. But I won't enjoy it."

"That's the spirit, Drew."

And they left.

About a half an hour later, he called me up and asked if he could come back to the room. I asked him why he couldn't just stay there a little longer.

"She's kicking me out." He told me.

"Did you…you know…with her?" I asked.

"Yep. She made me do things to her." He slurred. "Nasty things. Now she wants me to leave. Can I come home yet?"



"NO!!" And I hung up.

A half hour after that, he called back.

"Can I come home now?"

"No." And I hung up once more.

A little while later, I called him and told him he could come home. I felt bad for him.

Kristen left, Drew brushed his teeth about four times and all but scrubbed his face with Brill-o. He started to tell me in detail what happened, but I asked him to stop. It was pretty gross. Apparently she wasn't the most hygienic of people.

Kristen and I saw each other on and off for a little while, then drifted apart. It seems that she had a crush on me from the time she met us, and hung around with Drew to hang around with me. I never even noticed. I truly thought she was just playing hard to get for Drew.

But what do I know. If you don't smack me on the nose with a rolled up newspaper, I'm liable not to notice much. It's a guy thing.

Drew never went near Beth again. She scared him pretty good.

I've got lots of stories about Drew, and with his permission I'll write them also. Well, at least the ones I don't come out bad in. No reason to slander myself. I'll just embarrass Drew some more. I seem to be good at it. Or so I'm told.


-Spat 4/11/97


If you have any questions, E-Mail me.