Crime and Punishment

By Rockwell P. Stonehenge

 

Well, it's been a long three weeks in the Juniper County Municipal Jail, but I'm finally out. They hit me for killing forty-two chickens, two pigs, a cow, for beating up that Egg Council guy, and for burning down two barns, twelve chicken coops, and a newsstand (yeah, they finally got me for that one). I've been ordered to pay back the costs of all those animals (luckily most of them were mine), and to help rebuild all the stuff I torched. Can I help it if I'm unstoppable when I get mad? I'm like a wild cat in heat.

Of course, as soon as I get home I get a letter from that weirdo in New York City asking for more stories. Now he seems to think he's my grandson. What the hell is in the water up there anyway?

I was in New York City once when I was younger. It's full of strange people, it is. This one guy tried to sell me a gun in the street. Right there in broad daylight. He walks up to me, pulls out this rusty old .45, and asks me for some money. I figured I could probably clean it, and maybe sell it down at the Flea Market for about fifty bucks, so's I offer him a twenty for it. That son of a mule takes the twenty, and runs off without giving me my gun! Can you believe the gall of some people?

Well I chased him for about six or nine blocks before I decided to let him go. Fast little bugger he was, but definitely not worth the twenty. If I had caught him, I'da taken that gun and shot him where the sun don't shine. People like that don't deserve to share the same streets as decent folk like me.

As you can probably guess from my other stories, I have what you could call a "strong moral fiber." I definitely believe in the death penalty, in fact, I don't think we use it the right way. I mean, yeah, I can understand using it for a murderer, the whole "eye for an eye" thing, but what if the person he murdered really deserved it? What if it was a child molestin', horse stealin', tax evadin' Commie? Why execute the killer? He did a good thing, whether he knew it or not.

Don't punish him. Give him a bigger gun, and send him out after the child molester's friends.

That's the problem with the death penalty in this country if you ask me, too many people are afraid of it, and it prevents them from going out and killing people who really need to be killed. Now I know what all the bleedin' heart liberals are going to say: "How do you know if he deserved it?" Let me tell you, I can tell a guilty man from an innocent one from a mile off, the same way I can tell the difference between O.J. and prune juice.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that we should go out and shoot everyone that does a bad thing, far from it. Look at me. I burned down some things, and killed some critters, does that mean I should die? No. You know why? Because I did it for a good reason. That should be the deciding factor as to what punishment someone gets. Why. If they had a good excuse, then they should be let go. Well, sometimes even with a good reason, they need some punishment, so maybe not everyone should get the same treatment for every crime.

I guess I'll have to be the one that decides who gets killed, and who gets a lesser punishment. That will be my new job. I'll judge everyone that does something wrong.

Wow, that could end up being a lot of people, huh? Okay, I got it. We'll pick a few of my friends that I trust to do it also. Then when someone commits a crime, one of us will go visit him....hey, wait a minute! Make him come visit us. We're the ones that decide if he lives or dies. The least he can do is stop by for a spell. Come to think of it, some of these people are pretty nasty, maybe we should meet someplace else, someplace mutual. I don't want some guy that's about to die staining my carpet.

So we meet in some convenient location, and he'll spill his guts to me and tell me why he did it. And from that I'll decide his punishment.

If he didn't have a good enough reason for what he did, and whatever he did wasn't deserved, then we kill him. Otherwise, we let him go. Or, if it was close, kinda borderline, maybe we come up with some other punishment. Maybe like a fine, or we lock him in a closet for a bit. Or I'll make him paint my fence.

Actually, you know what? I don't even think I should have to talk to these criminals. Most of them will probably lie and use foul language at me anyway. So we'll have to bring in someone to talk for them. Someone smart, just in case they can't speak English or they're retarded or something. This way, if you don't know the law yer-self, you'll have someone there to explain what's going on to you.

You know, the more I think about this the less I like it. I don't want some smug educated guy talking down to me telling me that the criminal did what he did for a reason. He'll probably talk in circles to the point that only some other educated guy will know what he's talking about. That's it! I'll bring in another educated guy to work for me. Then these two guys will talk it out to each other, and I can just listen. Maybe take a nap if it's late in the afternoon.

Yeah, but how am I going to know if my guy is right or wrong 'specially if I fall asleep? 'Cause you know that two educated guys talking to each other is one of the hardest things to listen to in the world. I won't be able to understand a word. Maybe I'll make them talk slower, and in language I can understand. Otherwise what's the point. Course, I'll probably always side with my guy just for fun.

Maybe that's not quite the fair and just system I was hoping for.

How can I make this more fair? I know! I'll let someone else decide for me. Actually, I'll get a bunch of people to decide for me. Then the educated guys can talk to them, and they'll decide which one 'pears to be telling the truth. Then when the educated guys are done, the group of deciders will tell me which one is right, and which is wrong, then I decide the punishment.

Wow, that's a perfect system. I am such a gal-darned genius. I amaze myself at the way I can fix anything. Took a completely useless system of laws, justice, crimes and punishments and tweaked it up in under ten minutes. And made it a completely fair and impartial system with not one flaw in it whatsoever. I wonder if there's any money to be made in this "Law" business?

 

-6/17/97

 

If you have any questions, E-Mail me. Spat@spat-nospam-cave.com