Chicken Fight

By Rockwell P. Stonehenge

 

Now, I've been a farmer for pretty much my whole life. And except for my stint in the Army, it's the only life I've ever known. I don't have a big farm, a few chickens, a few cows, a couple of pigs, two dogs and a horse. A tractor that works pretty good, an old pick-up truck, and a '57 Chevy Coupe are really the only farming equipment I own. Hell, two of my four sons were conceived and birthed in the back-seat of that coupe. Every time I get in that car I feel the old stirrings in my overalls all over again.

I grow corn, wheat, and I have a small vegetable garden, but that's really just for my personal use.

I make my money from my VA benefits and live off what I produce from my farm. Sometimes I have a really good crop, and I'll head down to the Juniper County Fair to sell my surplus.

This month for some reason, my chickens must have been stir-crazy. I had almost eighteen dozen eggs to sell, besides the corn and wheat. And I know a bit about biology, so I'm sure those eggs ain't related to anything I've been doing.

Now, I eat three eggs every morning for breakfast, and sometimes I'll hard-boil a few to take out with me in the field. I plant the shells in the ground with the corn, and it gives them a nice taste that makes them quite popular at the Fair (don't tell no one). I also throw some shells in my coffee maker to add a clean favor to my cup of Joe.

See, I go through a lot of eggs considering I only have a handful of chickens, that's why I thought it was odd that I would have so many extra eggs. I guess I have horny chickens with nothing better to do all day but get it on. Anyway, at the Fair there was this weasel of a guy from the Egg-Council or some such thing, and he was complaining about how much cholesterol there was in eggs, and how you shouldn't eat them because of the poor conditions that the chickens are kept in.

I couldn't help but stop him.

My chickens eat better than me...except for all the eggs. But hell, if they wanted some eggs, they can have them too.

I don't know about cholesterol being in eggs, but I usually have some blood in mine.

So this jack-ass starts yelling about how many people die every year from eggs. From eggs! Someone actually thinks an egg can kill you. I guess if you shove it down someone's throat it could.

Now he starts shooting off numbers of how many eggs are eaten everyday in this country. And according to him, there was quite a lot.

So that gets me thinking....If those chickens are producing all those millions of eggs everyday, we should eat them as fast as we can. If we didn't eat them, there'd be chickens everywhere. They'd be blocking the streets, pecking at your ankles, scaring the hell out of little children, and just plain running rampant all over the place. We'd have to declare war on them. And we all know how hard it is to catch a chicken.

Heck, they'd take over the world and we'd just be sitting ducks! Soon we'd be working for them! We'd just be hauling grain and feed around for them all day long. And you know that there'd be some people out there who would do nothing but kiss chicken butt all day so they could get the cushy jobs, like maintaining the temperature in the coop, and they'd have to have a police force of some sort. They'd need lemmings for that too. Those cop pigs would get special favors from the chickens, an egg once in a while, maybe some down for their pillows and blankets, and they wouldn't be treated as badly as the rest of us were.

And what happens if they decide they don't like feed anymore? What if they decide they want to sample some human flesh? Barbecued Man, Fried Man Legs, Sweet and Sour Man, Man Fingers with Honey Mustard sauce, Man Franchaise, Man Cutlets, you name it. I don't want no Nazi chicken eating my skin, no sir!

I'd rather die fighting. I'd rather strap a case of dyn-o-mite to my back and run into the main chicken coop and take as many of them out with me as I can. That's what I'll do! Ain't no chicken going to make mankind slaves while I'm still here!

I'll teach them a lesson they'll never forget.

I'll start with my chickens first. I don't like the way they've been looking at me lately with those beady eyes and twitchy heads.

That's why I had so many eggs this month. They were building their invasion force. Laying the groundwork with superiority of numbers. Well, they won't be getting away with it much longer. I'm gonna crack everyone of their little necks, and deep fry their guts. Then I'll go to all the neighboring farms. Make sure their eggs are in line, and slaughter them too. Of course, to make sure a bunch of them don't sneak past, I'll have to eat a lot of eggs. A few dozen a day at least.

Oh, these Fascist chickens messed with the wrong man. I got a lot of free time on my hands, and a big healthy appetite for chicken and eggs. Course, my pigs have been snorting a lot when I walk by them. I know what they're trying to say. If they keep it up much longer, I'll be having bacon with my eggs. Or maybe some steak. Come to think of it, the cows have been giving me nasty looks lately too.

Of course, coyotes eat chickens all the time. Maybe they'll be my only allies in this. It'll be me and an army of coyotes against a world full of chickens.

It's a conspiracy I tell you. But luckily I discovered it early.

It looks like all the farm animals have revolted. I may actually be too late. They're all in on it. And I bet that Egg Council guy is the farm revolution's toady. I know where that turkey is staying while here in Juniper County, I think I'll pay his chicken kissing butt a visit and give him a message to take back to his chicken Führer. That's just what I'll do.

 

-6/10/97

 

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